also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize
