i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
Randomize
