He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
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