1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Small Doughy Asian men and sleeveless hoodies with nothing underneath do not mix well.
Sounds like the climatic scene of my favorite erotic novel.
Michael Bay diarrhea
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
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