The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
