The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
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