yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
