Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
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