i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
