Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
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