So drunk, too bad you don't want this
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
Randomize
