just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
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