I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
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