I accidentally had phone sex last night
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
Is it bad that I like to have a guy to flirt with in every class? I feel like it's excellent motivation: to shave, to shower and to show up.
Randomize
