if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
Never joke about your clitoris.
Randomize
