I think im going to throw up on grandma
So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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