Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Randomize
