someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
Randomize
