I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
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