I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
her facebook's as public as her vagina
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
Just high enough for therapy.
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
