end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
I just threw up on my dentist
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
Randomize
