You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
Do you know of any good hiding spots in the Atlanta area?
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
