We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Cheyanne in woods. Ducks attacked. My toe is bleeding. We are gpsing our way home on foot. No worries
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