guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
Randomize
