I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
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