Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
Randomize
