I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
It's shark week go big or go home
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
I touched a dick in church today
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Randomize
