so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
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