I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
at a bar and heard one girl tell another her tampon string was showing she goes i dont want it in anymore anyways. then proceeds to pull out her tampon in the middle of the bar and leave it on a plate. ewwww
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
