Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
Randomize
