I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
Randomize
