I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
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