It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Randomize
