if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
okay serious question, the water is shut off in your house, do you attempt and use the clean toilet water for your new bong?
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
