It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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