So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
who's job is it to make sure we don't run out of tp since the incident of 09'... Thats right you go get some
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
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