Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Randomize
