I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
Just curious... Do you still have the cocks bracelet? You know, the one we pass around to whoevers been the biggest slut recently?
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
