i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Randomize
