is your mom at the bar?
Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
