When you want to head down the cleveland on Sunday?
What time do the bars open? I dont want to remember how bad theyre gonna lose
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
Randomize
