sarcasm needs its own font
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
Randomize
