Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
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