I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
It's blow job season.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
Randomize
