sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
Randomize
