We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
