i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
Randomize
