he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Randomize
