tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
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