im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
