tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
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